I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I would fuck him just for his dog
Randomize
