his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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