so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
