Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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