take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
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