Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
