I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
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