Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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