I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
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