laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
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I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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