we have officially lost it.
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Randomize
