I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
