I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
