wanna go halves on a baby?
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i will never coherently bang her
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize