the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
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