Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I did not marry a roomba.
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