If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
