So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Randomize
