I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
