I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
