we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
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