I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Randomize
