I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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