grandma shit on top of the toilet
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
