The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
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