it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
