Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
