My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
