I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
