Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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