my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
