Well apparently he's into motor boating.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
i am craving dick and cupcakes
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
