Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
