Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
