Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Randomize
