finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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