I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
