just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
