the condom got lost in my hair
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
