I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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