i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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