soooo we both peed the bed last night...
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
