Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
