I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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