i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
