If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
