Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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