Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
