when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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