we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
