too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
