U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
