he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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