I accidentally burped into my bong.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
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I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
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so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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