i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Randomize
