The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
